325 pages down. Pain has been up and down, but down is miles better than it used to be. Feeling a bit better for the first time in two years I didn't quite realize just how much pain I was in until now. The pain I'm in typing this would make most whimper their way into bed for the day and I'm just...well, could be a billion times worse, so grin and bear it! You don't understand spinal pain until you've experienced spinal pain and you might not realize how much pain you're in until it's let up...probably why when I always tell doctors I'm at is probably just a 7 or an 8 they just look at me like I'm a fucktard.
My mind has been spending a lot of time processing what it's been through now that it has the extra emotional space to decompress and I know others have it far FAR worse, but I've been fighting serious feelings of frustration and also...I guess...betrayal. By who? I don't know. My body? The Universe? Who knows, but it's been a battle to shake. We're also coming up on the three year anniversary of my Grandfather's death and the anxiety and dread and general melancholy seems to rise for June every year since. It helped a bit to suddenly realize that's why my mood has been so sour (it always sneaks up on me somehow!), but it also hasn't completely been conquered. It's better than it was last year and the year before that, so...that's another type of healing I'm going through, I suppose.
Still not sure how my spine will react to prolonged typing, so the next week will be very experimental as I figure this out. Maybe the next two weeks even.
Pain doctors are also up and down on whether I can get the burnination done six months after the last instead of waiting until next year, since it's on a different level (Cervical vs Thoracic), so might get that relief sooner rather than later, depending on how the insurance has it all worded. Won't know more until next month, but we're talking October instead of January if it does go through. They've also put me on low dose tramadol for the pain finally, just to cover all the spots they aren't burning, but insurance is making that extra difficult too and I've been waiting six weeks now for all the authorization to get finalized. The one week I was able to really write decently in 2022 was when I said 'fuck it' and popped those one day right in a row, so...that could be another tool towards productivity. Obviously I don't want to, but...God it would be nice to be able to sit in a chair again! Much less get out of this house for something other than a doctor appointment...
To summarize: doing better, actually got some work done, might get some NEW work done, but it could all implode at any moment if a few nerves decide they're not going to be team players, so...day at a time! Huzzah!
Hey, look at all that I typed!!!
I have dealt with spine (L5/S1) and other pain for years. Took 6 years to get a diagnosis as to why my body hates me. Undervaluing my own pain and telling docs "oh, I guess its a 4" was a huge issue I had. Injections, burninations... yuck. The one time I got relative relief, I did an online MBA in 41 days. Your week in 2022 reminded me of that. Good news s you're not alone. Bad news is that probably doesn't mean anything.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, your work has entertained me and that brings me a lot of relief. Thanks for what you do. We'll keep you in our prayers.
Feeling less pain is always good- even if it means "Oh hey- it is only at a 7 instead of an 11! Woo!" We all want more excellent KH (and other RR) goodness, but I believe most of us would just as soon see you doing considerably less "suffering for your art." Not much else to say, other than that I hope everything goes great for you. June is a tough month (Dad in 1993), and I also find myself getting depressed as the temperature (and humidity) rise- then I realize why I'm feeling that way.
ReplyDeleteIt gets ... manageable... Take care of yourself, boss.
Glad you might get relief sooner rather than later. I have to work on the whole lowballing on the pain scale issue, too, as someone with chronic pain. I've found a pain scale that describes it in levels of functionality and that is much more eye opening to me. "4" means nothing, but "can do simple tasks while ignoring pain" is closer.
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