Tomorrow is the Day

King Henry Price, honored and learned graduate of the Institution of Elements, has settled back into his normal life, running his Artificer shop, creating new designs, selling old ones, and ignoring the occasional explosion when testing goes haywire. He's been minding his own business...only when he happens across a bunch of bullies picking on a woman, he can't resist the opportunity to smash faces, can he?

King Henry never expected the bullies would be part of the Coyote Nation, he never expected that he could be starting a war, and he surely never expected one of his lost sisters would be on the other side.

Jordan Josephine Price...found you at last.

The Foul Mouth and the Cat Killing Coyotes will be released officially tomorrow, March 13th (I spit on you, bad luck numbers), though you'll probably be able to grab it later today if you check for it, since who knows how long Amazon's KDP will have something "in review" or not.  Probably not even the designers.

There's also some price changes going about.  The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady is going to be at 99 cents for awhile to try to attract every possible reader and...it will be having 4 free days from the 13th to the 16th!

Now I need to write the third one...

FYI, Little King Henry is Free On Amazon

"Little King Henry" joins "Prime Pickings" to be free on Amazon.  Generally these things run for about a month from what I understand, so get them while you can.  "Prime Pickings" should just about be up.

Little King Henry by Richard Raley on Amazon
Prime Pickings by Richard Raley on Amazon

Anne Boleyn, Vampire Baroness

In the words of the annoying mancer giving her problems:

Anne’s head tilted from one side of her shoulders to the other, long neck bending with it. Like she’s trying to see if the view changed my appearance. The ‘B’ on her neck shined with a flash, a damned beacon trying to get through to me.

“King Henry Price?” she asked again.

“I already answered you.”

“I’m sorry.” She shrugged, hands on her hips, rings rubbing against rough denim. “You’re just so ugly, aren’t you? Broken nose…so many scars. There’s nothing perfect about you. I thought with all the rumors about you being a hound that you’d be better looking. I supposed I shouldn’t be surprised since we live in a time where every woman will stick a toaster in herself if it vibrates quickly enough.

“Women have no standards at all anymore. They don’t want to work for the complete experience. Seduction takes too much time, better to make a blog post about wanting to ‘get to know people’ I think the phrase is.”

“Rumors…” I said.

I locked on the word, ignored the rest. Yup, she wasn’t there for the teapots. Good to know. Asylum toady? Guild spy? Another mancer testing me before she bought a commission? Could have worked for the government…but then maybe not with the clothes she was wearing. She might have been related to Welf too. All possibilities, none the correct answer.

“Look at his little brain go click,” Anne said. “So cute.”

I glanced at the ‘B’ one more time. “If I’m King Henry and you are really Annie B, then doesn’t that mean I get to cut your head off?” I asked, lips pulling back along my teeth.

Something shifted in her. The second gear that Asylum women have when they’re about you put you in place. “You’re going to close down your shop and then you’re going to come with me for a few days,” Annie B told me in plain terms suffering no argument. “I need someone with the skill-set for an Artificer kind of problem that isn’t prisoner to the Guild bylaws and you’ve been volunteered for it. If you try to cut my head off, I’ll kick your little ***. Understand, King Henry?”

Volunteered? Who would volunteer me? Who could volunteer me? Short list. Plutarch, Ceinwyn, or the Lady. “I don’t hire out or build or design without a contract and unless I say so and last I checked—you didn’t offer me payment.” My hands couldn’t take it anymore—they curled into fists. Plutarch, Ceinwyn, or the Lady. Which one would get a kick out of volunteering me without mentioning it to me? All of them. That didn’t help…

“Get out of my store before I build up the anima to smash you across the street, you pushy psycho *****.”

That’s when she punched me in the face so hard I tumbled backwards five feet and slammed into my shelf filled with glassware.

Read more on Annie B in The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady by Richard Raley: available on Amazon and Smashwords and Nook.  Or just type "Foul Mouth" into your Kindle...they'll know what you're talking about.

FYI, Prime Pickings is Free on Amazon

Get it while you can, I don't control the length of the freeness.  If you like post-apocalyptic sci-fi you should enjoy it.

Prime Pickings by Richard Raley on Amazon Kindle

Meet Tyson Bonnie, Electromancer

In the words of the only other Ultra in town:

“Yeah, yeah.” I put the box back under the counter. “Takes about two hours to full charge using static electricity, quicker if you find a piece of carpet and start rubbing your arm against it. Theoretically you could attach it to a power-pad but I wouldn’t recommend it—too much power too quick might blow the containment field.”

“Wow, King Henry,” Tyson said, his face all lit up as he swung a lazy punch across his chest that was far too much arm and not enough body torque. “This is awesome. It’s just how I imagined it.”

“Speaking of that, satisfy some curiosity on this…how did you imagine it?”

A brief bit of embarrassment crossed his lit up face, his forehead crinkling. “Stole it from a fantasy novel.”

“****…”

“I know, you hate the things.”

I shook my head. Hated them? Nope, I was jealous that they had it so easy with their ‘magic’. The Mancy’s a long way from some wand flipping and twirling. “Next, you’ll want me to make you a lightsaber.”

His eyes got bright with crazy dreams. “Could you?”

Read more on Tyson in The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady by Richard Raley: available on Amazon and Smashwords and Nook.  Or just type "Foul Mouth" into your Kindle...they'll know what you're talking about.

Meet Ceinwyn Dale, Aeromancer

In the words of her favorite student:

“I ain’t going to your school, lady.” 

“Why not?” She was genuinely curious. Ceinwyn Dale, always the interested observer. 

“I’m not a freak. I get by. I got a life. So I fight, who gives a rat’s ***?” 

She picked up my iPod and browsed through the playlist. She had beautiful hands. Not a body part most guys notice, and Ceinwyn Dale had some others that were pretty noticeable, but her delicate fingers and sapphire fingernails drew the eye when she used them in front of you. Nimble manipulation, just like the rest of her, turning those fleshy stubs into the finest tool, skinny and elegant. “Is this the entirety of your reasons? 

“I got a girl.” 

“And you love her?” The smile quirked extra. 

“Sure. I guess.” Love wasn’t a big emotion in the Price household. We had trouble managing giving a ****. 

“Or do you just like what you get to do with her?” 

“That too.” 

One part about Ceinwyn Dale I started figuring out during that first conversation is she mocks everyone but she treats her kids the same as she does adults. Which I wasn’t seeing much of back then. It was inclusive and part of the reason she’s such a good recruiter. 

“You’ll have to give her up.”

Read more on Ceinwyn Dale in The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady by Richard Raley: available on Amazon and Smashwords and Nook.  Or just type "Foul Mouth" into your Kindle...they'll know what you're talking about.

Meet King Henry Price, Geomancer

In his own words:

I was screwed up beyond all repair by then.  Only reason I hadn’t been to Juvie was that I had an extra something the other delinquents didn’t have, not that I realized it at the time of my crimes.  All I knew was that I was lucky.  Yeah, cursed more like it.  But back then, it sure was nice to be sitting in the shopping mart contemplating stealing some magazines or candy bars or Chinese-assembled electronics when a display magically fell apart to be a distraction I desperately needed. 

Cigarettes and electronics had been my steals of choice right before I was co-opted into another life and if it wasn’t for the Asylum, I’d be well on my way to lung cancer by now, or dead twenty times over.  Not from hard stuff like you’re thinking—worse I can admit to is bumming some weed when I could—but from fighting.  I loved to get into a fight.  Still do. 

Here I am twenty-one years old and I’m lucky to hit five-foot-eight on some very generous tape-measures.  Back then, middle school and elementary ****holes with babysitting teachers and cruel lunch-ladies, it was even worse.  Some district counselor got all doctor on me and diagnosed it as a Napoleon Complex; that I was trying to prove I was tough despite my size.  But it wasn’t that. 

I liked to fight.

Read more on King Henry in The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady by Richard Raley: available on Amazon and Smashwords.  Or just type "Foul Mouth" into your Kindle...they'll know who you're talking about...

Little King Henry is OUT

Little King Henry, my short story set in The King  Henry Tapes world has been released.

Little King Henry by Richard Raley on Amazon
Little King Henry by Richard Raley on Smashwords (FREE)

Real Review: The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson

Link:  The Way of Kings

Brandon Sanderson is one of the most creative forces in Fantasy today and I have to praise him for it. 2011 and we are still strapped down by this notion of GRITTY IS GOOD and our supposedly gifted writing minds are left to play the same stories in the same medieval worlds over and over again. But not Brandon Sanderson, not “The Way of Kings”.

This novel could have been riddled with tropes, it could have started with a farmboy, two friends, and a wizard, and I would have forgiven it. Only it didn’t. Plot = creative. World = creative. Magic = creative. Book itself = gorgeous. Paid for by Sanderson himself, as I understand it, “the Way of Kings” hardcover is worth the price alone, filled with illustrations and colored maps. If more novels looked like this instead of the paper-thin ready-to-fall-apart-on-the-second-read-through messes the publishers put out nowadays, I wouldn’t have moved over to the Kindle.

“The Way of Kings” and the Stormlight Archive will be the most influential fantasy novel/series since Martin added the Character-Killing-Wheel-o’-Death to the genre in 1996. Every page of it remembers…we’re only bound by what we can’t imagine. We can make any world we want. Authors don’t even need to pay for CGI.  It marries the New Weird with the Traditional...that's an important step.

While Sanderson’s prose sometimes is mocked as awkward, here it proves workman-like and that’s to its advantage, beautiful words would have only distracted from the world he builds before the reader. Instead we’re left to enjoy and ponder over Roshar. Of Shadeplate and Shadeblades, of Stormlight and Windrunners, of Fabrials and Knights Radiant. We are plopped down on wind-swept wastelands where life only shows itself after the storm. We see unhindered shattered lands of running slave crews and assassins who seem to defy gravity.

My only complaints have to do with the Shallan character taking so long to get going, the Kaladin flashbacks that don't seem to keep up with the rest of the novel, and...that no one seemed to teach Sanderson how to curse as a teenager. Storm you? Really?  Try: Stick it up your storm hole.  Better...

More like this, fantasy authors, more like this. Four and a half stars and give the man a curve.

Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady is OUT!

It's out!

The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady by Richard Raley on Amazon
The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady by Richard Raley on Smashwords

Get a sample at least to meet King Henry Price, he'll rock your world...

Review: The Black Prism by Brent Weeks

Link:  Black Prism

Green Lantern meets the Man with the Iron Mask. This seems like an absurd combination to describe something, but that is exactly what "the Black Prism" is, and even more absurdly...it works. It has heaps of world-building and a Jordanian precise magic system. Instantly I thought of Brandon Sanderson's style when I heard of color and light magic, and they do have much in common when it comes to the breath and scope of their worlds...thought Weeks knows how to curse...and apparently his characters actually have sex, even the non-married ones...especially the non-married ones...

Weeks created a world of light, where light is used to build and destroy, where light is used to kill and protect, where the sun is the most important object in the entire world, even more important than in our own. He has yellow buildings, blue tools, mirror armor, and boats made of every single hue. Perhaps the most interested creation is Weeks' version of the White Tower, which rotates to follow the sun. I liked the visual, sir.

It is not without its faults. I used Green Lantern to describe it and, yes, it feels like a comic book at times. Those who don't like Erikson hyper-fantasy might best stay away. If you're into green golems and blue crystal wrights though...you're going to have some fun.

As far as character, this is an area that lacked. Kip is a whiny farmboy, Liv is a perfect student, etc. Only Gavin Guile proved to have depth and some wonderful skeletons in his closet. The humor was also comic book worthy...earning many a groan. Despite these faults, I'll be getting the next in hardcover. Weeks is one to watch. He dreams big. Writers still content with just swords and horses could learn a thing or two from him.

Four stars.

Real Review: Leviathan Wakes by James S.A. Corey

Link:  Leviathan Wakes

Leviathan Wakes gave me the most fun read of the year; as far as FUN goes it had more of it than even “The Heroes”, “Wise Man’s Fear” or especially “A Dance with Dragons.” I enjoyed almost everything about this book. I enjoyed the space-jockey aspect, the noir mystery, the vomit zombies, and the WORLD IS GOING TO END back half. It all plays well.

It doesn’t feel like each part shouldn’t naturally lead to the next part and the stakes keep rising in a way that you’re pretty sure the authors are just crazy enough to blow up the solar system. They make it absolutely clear they’ll kill some characters, and if they don’t kill them maybe they’ll just irradiate them, or suffocate them, or pressurize their eyeballs out their heads….so many ways to die in space…

The best part of the novel is the world they’ve chosen to play in. A solar system bound humanity, not stuck on Earth, not yet reached out towards the stars. We see all the troubles this brings the species: population control, gravity mutations, economic concerns, rationing of resources, knowing all it takes is for one asteroid driver to crack your planet like a walnut.

If I’m forced to complain about something I could say Miller as a character was a bummer to follow for half the novel.

Check this one out.

Four stars.

Real Review: Magic Slays by Ilona Andrews

Link:  Magic Slays

Not as good as the last but it still deserves all the praise. My favorite Urban Fantasy series for one reason: Andrews figured out it’s not about the Urban in the genre, it’s about the Fantasy. Yes, it has many of the same plot lines as the other novels in the genre. Romance plot with a big tough Were, far too many men interested in the main character, younger plucky ward/apprentice, character never having enough money. It has all that…

But where Andrews succeeds to rise above is in the world-building. This isn’t a series about a city, it’s a series about a world changed, a world switching between magical and normal life. It has thousands of years of history. It has vampires as necro-mobiles not the boring old bloodsuckers, it has complex Were-societies, and characters drawn out of fairy tales and the oldest of mythologies.

“Magic Slays” itself, I’m not as much of a fan of it as the last. It had good moments, but the single book plot was stymied by the fact that we know the big scary bomb won’t kill every single character in the series. The minute you put Kate and Curran in a situation with a countdown you know everything will mostly work out. Bestselling authors don’t kill ALL their characters. Only Richard Castle can get away with that…because he’s fake.

As for the over-arching plot of Kate and Roland…that was still great stuff. Can’t wait to see where this goes in the next one. Read the series: read THEE Urban Fantasy series.  You won't be disappointed.

4 Stars.

Real Review: Heartless by Gail Carriger

Link:  Heartless


This is the best in the series since the first. The style and atmosphere of these books don't belong in Scotland or Italy, they belong in merry ol' London. There's something about the time period and the city that just makes the absurdity of it all work. Yes, why not a woman fighting the paranormal with a parasol? Yes, why not rampaging mechanical creations in the streets? Yes, why not a pregnant woman waddling around - her words, not mine, ladies! - trying to save the queen? Why not poisonous porcupines? Why not teacups of doom?

I give Carriger points for marrying the paranormal to steampunk and then both of those to the Victorian Age. In a genre where much of the same will sell just fine, each addition was a risk, and it's worked out well for her and for her fans. I will happily read the next.

Three and a half stars and give the curve or else Floote will just find it anyway.

Real Review: The Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss

Link: The Wise Man's Fear

I should hate this book. I said these words to myself a number of times during my read of it, more often than GRRM uses "You know nothing, Jon Snow". Probably more than even a number during the Fae Super Sexathon. I should hate this book. The main character is a Mary-Sue on HGH, a lot of the plot is author created problems revolving around money, and well...Fae Super Sexathon and all. I should hate this book.

Yet...I don't hate it. I actually had a great time with it from cover to cover. Rothfuss processes an ability to draw you in with his prose, to make you sit at his feet, pull up your knees, and listen to storytime just like when you were in kindergarten. If you were home-schooled, I'm sorry this metaphor goes over your head.

Some of what I like is simply the first-person narrative doing its thing. First-person is either BAD or GOOD and here we have GOOD. Another part is the school story showing its power yet again. Buffy, Harry Potter, etc., so forth, that school setting just calls out to us. Even poor Spider-man is going back to school!

For the rest we are left with Rothfuss' words, his love for stories interweaving with each other, his careful attention to detail, and his ability to drop hints at what's coming up ahead of you and for Kvothe. Rothfuss gets us to pay attention and there's no skipping over the elf songs here. Sorry, Tolkien...

This novel does have its problems. The mercenaries felt like Aiel 2.0. Kvothe conquering a sex goddess was...laughable at times. As mentioned, the money worries might have taken up too much of the novel and are purely arbitrary tensions created by Rothfuss himself. Some would complain about Denna, but not me, I have little problem with Denna, she's one of the better characters. The problem is just Kvothe...who is a real jack BLEEP and he's at his most BLEEPY around Denna.

Not a perfect novel, but a novel that does have some perfect scenes in it, the Freaky Tree of Doom being the most perfect of all.

Really, all of the Kingkiller Cronicles hangs in balance on the last book, much like the First Law Trilogy did on Last Argument of Kings by Joe Abercrombie. We'll see if it was worth the years then, so onward to "The Doors of Stone".

Three and a half but give the man a curve.

Real Review: The Heroes by Joe Abercrombie

Link: The Heroes


Joe Abercrombie does some of the best character work in all of fantasy. A few look down on him for his outcomes being too nihilistic but no one can look down on him for being boring. This seems to be Abercrombie's main style. To entertain and delight with quirky characters, use of inventive narrative structure, and hit us with twists and turns that knock us silly. For some...too silly, silly enough that they resent the shock.

With "The Heroes" specifically it is structure that wins out over everything else. We are given a look at a single engagement that takes place during a war and that engagement is split into three days, with maps accompanying them. We are given a chapter that follows around a letter and another that jumps from dead man to dead man in the middle of a battle. Structure plays a very large part in Abercrombie's work and you can always expect a new look at something very old for the genre.

Characters actually proved a problem in "The Heroes" for me. Not that they weren't as screwed up and internally motivated as I've come to expect from Abercrombie. Gorst's inner dialogue got more than a few chuckles, we saw the most fully dimensional female character yet for Abercrombie, and I couldn't help but root for a prince's plans to work out. They are fine characters...for about 99% of authors...

For Abercrombie, however...I found myself thinking of the Bloody Nine, of the Crippled, of Cosca and Monza. As fun as Gorst might be to read, or any of the characters of "The Heroes" might be to read, they aren't as good as the characters who came before, and that limits the reader's connection with the work. I guess what I'm saying is...you did too well of a job the first time through, Joe, try to suck some next time, okay?

RReview: Masters of Doom by David Kushner

Link:  Masters of Doom

Rank:  Get it Now!

Comment:  Not just for video game fans, a great read about technology and innovation, about a group of guys who wanted to do things their own way.

The Betrothal: The Three Types of Zoo

A BETROTHAL excerpt on Zoos, yes, Zoos:

There are three different types of zoo entrance:  the Wilderness Type, the Prison Type, and the Kong type. 

The Wilderness Type is employed by a committee of public trust shareholders that have never actually been camping much less in the Outback/Anaconda River/African Savannah, yet they know what the wild is supposed to look like, so all is well.  This is why the Wilderness Type of zoo ends up with heaps of big fake logs, plastic looking rocks, and a roof that mimics a hut with lots of dead straw and twigs.  It looks good at the opening of the zoo but after a few years gets really messy:  the logs need to be chopped down, the vines die, the rocks rust, the straw blows all over the place, and the janitors are always being called out to clean it up.  The Wilderness Type says, “We’re wild and crazy and you can be wild and crazy too!  Growl!” 

The Prison Type is contrasting with the Wilderness Type.  Its modern, it gets the job done, and it doesn’t take hostages.  Walking to a Prison Type of entrance you are greeted with queues—metal railings bracketing you in on each side, forcing you to transverse the twisting line of steel and boredom—while bland elevator music is pumped into overhead speakers, quelling your rising frustrations.  Once you escape from the queue you are led to a factory-like line of ticket booths, the workers encased in steel and glass with that small hole to trade money for tickets and the even smaller hole for you to talk to the cashier.  When you finally have the ticket you are buzzed through an electronically locked door and on the other side your safety is in your own hands.  The Prison Type says, “We have tried our best to keep you from getting killed, we don’t want to have to clean up your remains.” 

The Kong Type is created for the sole purpose of creating a sense of awe, both in the attendee and in the designers who think quite a lot of themselves.  The Kong Type has a giant front door opened wide; the space between hinting at what awaits you inside.  Maybe there is a colossal arch towering over your head, and statues, lots of statues:  brass, bronze, stone, all kinds of statues of elephants, tigers, and other dangerous predators.  And animal shaped bushes, can’t forget that.  Maybe someone even gets the bright idea to have the animals dragged outside and walk through the concrete when it is settling so there are giant paw and hoof marks under your feet.  The Kong Type says, “You are not prepared for my wonder!” 

I am sorry to disappoint after all that, but the zoo we went to wasn’t a Kong Type. A Kong Type in Utah? Come on people. Set up your expectations about things. Has anything really been Kong Type in this entire novel? Except for Tad…

THE BETROTHAL: OR HOW I SAVED ALAN EDWARDS FROM 40 YEARS OF HELL by Richard Raley, available at Amazon and Smashwords.

A Betrothal Breakfast

A BETROTHAL excerpt for a common morning breakfast:

By six of the next morning, I was up and about, showered then changed into my trusty khakis and t-shirt. Sam had headed off my ability to enter their room for access to my clothes at the pass and instead made me share closet space with Tad, so getting them wasn’t a problem, though seeing Tad in his little g-string again was. 

By seven, breakfast for four was well on its way. When Hannah and Sam made their appearance it was to the smells of sausage, bacon, pancakes, and toast. “And he cooks, why am I not surprised?” 

“Be nice, Sam,” Hannah scolded her sister. 

“I didn’t know what you two like so I made a bit of everything,” I told them, putting the plates of food out on the table before I headed back into the Den of the Cheetah G-Strings once more. 

Opening the door, I was greeted by Tad’s butt cheeks as they saluted the ceiling. It’s something I know I’m going to have nightmares about for the rest of my life. I’ll never be able to look at spotted cats the same way again, to say nothing of reading National Geographic. 

“Tad, wake up and put on some clothes!” This got no reaction, so I smacked him on the shoulder, which only earned me a groan and that weirded me out even more. Desperate measures: “Hannah and Sam are making out in the other room.” 

Tad snapped up like I’d dunked him in cold water. “Wha’ was that?” 

“Hannah and Sam are going to eat all the food,” I lied. 

“Oh…I thought you said something else.” 

“Must have been dreaming something.” 

“Yeah,” Tad grinned, “Good dream though.” 

The four of us sat down and had breakfast. I learned rather quickly that Sam is one of those people that just doesn’t like the morning hours of the day. She said little, glared often, and the only communication she seemed capable of was grunts and growls. “I need coffee,” she finally confessed. 

“Tad and I can get some when we’re out with Alan,” I offered her. 

“I suppose my cousin has everything planned out and we all have to follow the queen’s will?” Sam snarled 

“You’re in a bad place today,” Hannah stated the obvious, but did it in such a sweet way that you immediately forgave her for it. 

Looking down at a glass of orange juice I had taken to time to freshly squeeze, Sam sobbed. “I need coffee!”

THE BETROTHAL: OR HOW I SAVED ALAN EDWARDS FROM 40 YEARS OF HELL by Richard Raley, like "The Sun Also Rises" without all the excessive drinking, available at Amazon and Smashwords.

Real Review: A Dance With Dragons by George RR Martin.

Link:  A Dance With Dragons on Amazon (Hey, look who has a top review!)

*Beware, Minor Spoilers*

If you had told me to make a list off the top of my head before I sat down to read this novel, of events I'd want to see, or resolutions I was looking for, it would have been something like:

Dany mastering her dragons, escaping the Meereen situation, and heading west.
Tyrion arriving at Dany's court to serve her in his unique ways.
The battle with the Others finally starting in a serious way.
Jon learning who he is.
Cersei's trial and the unleashing of FrankinGregor.
What is Jaime going to do?
Is Briennie dead, what did she say to get out of the noose?
Quentyn arriving at Dany's court and revealing Dorne's plans to her.
Victarion using the horn to control the dragons.
Bran meeting the Greenseer and finishing his training.
Arya finishing her training.

A pretty obvious list based on the story so far, right? I would have been happy with 3 of these stories moving along, 4 would have been downright wonderful. Instead I got one and a half. And the kicker...it's the last one and a half I would have chosen.

This would have been bad enough...only it got worse. GRRM manages to add two more very interesting plotlines, one of which is Stannis' battle for the North, the other of which we'll let be a secret, and he gives no resolution for them either.

This is a novel that ended 200 hundred pages short. Throughout all of it we are given two "big" stories, the North and the East, and both of them look to lead towards large power altering battles that will rival the Blackwater...only we never get to them. The book stops before BOTH.

It is a novel filled with ships sailing, and sailing, and sailing some more. Of marching, and marching, and marching some more. Jon Snow becomes muddled in food stores, concerned with wildlings, with not an Other in sight of the wall. Dany reverts back to trying to save absolutely everyone, doing anything at all to make a false peace, and turns on her own dragons. Cersei has 2 chapters, Jaime 1, and both of them feel like they should have either been included into AFFC or left out till Book 6. Bran and Ayra train, but it has no end in sight.

Tyrion....Tyrion learns to cherish his inner dwarf. If all this doesn't sound exciting, don't worry, you will be lucky enough to get to read near 50 pages of food descriptions scattered about the novel. There is also about 100 "You know nothing, Jon Snows", about 50 "Words are Wind" and considerable "I must go forward" and something about Lannister's and debts I didn't know about...

I can't say it was all bad. If there wasn't good I wouldn't be so disappointing in where the book ended after all. Reek, Barristan, Asha, and Davos were all fantastic, the single Melisandre chapter shed much light on a certain bastard's destiny, and my main-dragon Drogon was the star of the book.

But...I have just finished 1000 pages, it is fresh in my mind, and what drives me to my disappointment is the thought of another 5 years...where I will have my list above, one scratched off, and yet two more added.

3.5 but it doesn't deserve the curve.